Well here we go I'm finally going to update its been awhile mainly because i've been in school and i have no internet and all sorts of other reasons but now is the time. My life is what it always is and seems to be for everyone ONE GIANT ROLLER COASTER up and down and spirals down and then shoots up and does backflips...yup that about describes it. I'm pretty happy really i have a great girl that i know alot about and i know she trusts me and i don't know what to say about her really its really amazing, i never really thought that we had so much in common so many similarities. I know she has some problems but i know she knows i want to help her through them as much as i can. I hope she knows i have some problems too and I don't admit it often but i need help through them aswell and she may or may not know it but so far she's doing an amazing job. So that's whats going on in my love life. Outside of that is realatically school and believe it or not i'm enjoying school! like that is almost impossible but Wilma's Place is good i like all the teachers and even though i keep to myself mostly i get along with everyone which is good so i don't get in trouble i'm about to finish and art and history credit I FINALLY GET AN ART CREDIT!!!!! score and best of all even if i don't quite finish the credits i asked the principal about staying and he said i could which is great cuz i'll have a whole semester to do my stuff. Wow school is actually good for once. Now work.....this sucks i need a job i keep doing odd jobs but i need steady income i think it would be able to stem my tide of spending because odd jobs gives me a bunch of money to either keep me maintained or pay off debt i'm not gaining any ground really and i'm lazy looking for work so i don't really try to find anything i goto place i know i would like and try a couple times get nothing then sit on my ass. although as i mentioned i'm in school so it takes of day light hours. I think being with my girl i've learned something about myself actually i already knew but after she told me about amy i told her about my problem sort of...I'm stuck with the fact that i have complete control over my emotions and it seems like a good thing but not always because there are things that you have to let out you can just repress everything which is what i do i push it down and lock it away and double bolt the lock then build a tower on top of it so that no one can unlock it and while doing all of this i'm also hijacking myself secretly i want to lose control see whats its like to be free and its like an epic battle and i'm always searching for a way to find a solution to the battle and i can admit one of the solutions i have tried is drugs and sometimes it works but i know that it only works partly, so i keep searching, looking for a solution, wishing i could have peace for myself....i fear the thing i love most...control....my girl knows that she's helping me find myself/peace i just sometimes feel bad that she tries sooooo hard for me and i feel like i do nothing for her and i mean both materially and emotionally but i want to so badly because i care about her so much well i think i'm almost done. A few other things to mention december 9 is the day of infamy still; Fenton is still living at my house and its actually really good i enjoy having his company he is definitily my best friend. And my other best friend more like brother Matt is finally done work so we can chill on weekends, and matt i want you to know that no matter what your like my brother and i'm proud of you and i am really happy for you and chloe, though i think chloe could do more to kick your ass at school you need to do good man i know i'm not that much older than you but trust me you don't wanna fuck aorund in school unless you wanna end up here with me which would be cool lol your parents may be pissed about your effort in school but its only because they love you alright well take it easy and you know you can call me too alright well take it easy EVERYONE

~Mess


THE WHO lyrics - "Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes